Honoring Yourself This Holiday Season: Setting Boundaries That Last
For so many of us, breaking out of the people-pleasing cycle and setting boundaries can feel like an uphill battle. Lately, I’ve been taking a closer look at my own wants and needs—my relationship with social media, how I interact with certain groups of people, and all of this while Pluto finishes its 16-year cycle in Capricorn. It’s made me realize just how much boundaries are showing up in my life right now. With my Soulful Seasons programs kicking off and the holiday season in full swing, it’s been top of mind for me.
The holidays are often a mix of joy and...stress. Old habits—like the need to please others at the expense of your own well-being—seem to creep back in all too easily during this time of year. And let’s be real—setting boundaries with close family and friends? That’s a whole different level of hard.
For most of my adult life, setting boundaries during the holidays has been a real struggle. Growing up with separated parents (and grandparents), my holidays were always a constant shuffle from one house to another. I never had a say in how things went. The traditions we created back then have since morphed into expectations as an adult—expectations that often leave me feeling drained and tense, especially now that my wants, needs, and values have shifted.
The past few years have added another layer to how I feel about the holidays. In November 2018, my grandfather on my mom’s side passed. On Christmas Eve 2019, I found my grandmother—my mom’s mother—passed away in her home. And just this past September, in 2023, my uncle—my mom’s brother—passed away. These losses have profoundly changed what the holidays mean to me. The frantic running around that used to feel like an obligation has started to feel meaningless. More than anything, I now crave peace, stillness, and authentic connection.
That desire for calm is even more challenging when it comes to dating during the holidays. Balancing multiple family gatherings on someone else’s side or navigating relationships with people who have their own children, separated parents, and traditions? It’s exhausting. The holidays can quickly turn into an endless whirlwind of long drives, jam-packed schedules, high expenses, and absolutely no downtime to enjoy any of it.
This shift in perspective has taught me the value of boundaries—not just to protect my time and energy but to create space for the kind of holidays I truly want to experience.
So, here’s the question: How do we balance generosity and connection with protecting our own peace and energy? Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out; they’re about making sure we give from a place of joy and abundance—not exhaustion.
Why Boundaries Matter
Boundaries get a bad rap as walls that push people away, but really, they’re bridges that lead to healthier relationships—with others and yourself. They’re the limits that protect your time, energy, emotions, and values. They can safeguard things like your physical space, material possessions, and even your spiritual beliefs.
When you set boundaries, you stop the patterns of over-giving and people-pleasing. You shift dynamics in your relationships—whether it’s family, friendships, or work. You’re no longer the one who always says “yes,” fixes everything, or keeps the peace at your own expense. Instead, you’re showing up for yourself, and in the process, creating relationships that are more sustainable and fulfilling.
During the holidays, boundaries are especially important. This is the season when social obligations, financial stress, and emotional triggers tend to pile up. Without clear limits, it’s easy to find yourself running on fumes.
Boundaries Aren’t Selfish
One of the hardest parts of setting boundaries is the fear of conflict or being seen as selfish. It’s tough to say “no,” especially when you know it’ll disappoint someone. But here’s the thing: being honest—even when it’s uncomfortable—isn’t mean.
Boundaries aren’t about rejection; they’re about protecting your energy and being true to yourself. While they might frustrate others at first, they also show people how to treat you with respect. Over time, boundaries strengthen relationships and even inspire others to set their own.
Yes, standing up for yourself can feel awkward at first, and it may cause some resistance. But it’s not about creating distance—it’s about fostering authenticity and connection.
Types of Boundaries to Think About
Boundaries With Others
Holidays often mean spending more time with family, friends, and coworkers, which can lead to overcommitting. It’s easy to feel drained when you’re juggling everyone’s plans, but it’s not just about how much time you’re spending—it’s about how that time is being spent.
Ever been to a holiday gathering that turns into a four-hour football marathon or a night of games you don’t enjoy? Yeah, me too. And then there’s the family member who always knows just how to press your buttons or bring up the most inappropriate topic at the wrong time.
For close friends or family, honest conversations can help. If someone’s behavior is pushing your boundaries, explain why you’re asking for a change and how it affects you. But for people who repeatedly ignore your boundaries, you don’t owe them an explanation. Remember, you’re not obligated to justify your needs. If you choose to explain, do it because it helps you—not out of guilt.
If someone tends to stir up uncomfortable conversations, plan ahead. Think about the questions they might ask and how you’ll respond. You don’t have to engage, and it’s perfectly okay to say things like, “This isn’t the time for that conversation,” or even a simple “Stop.”
At the end of the day, you can’t change other people—you can only control your reactions. Sometimes, that means deciding not to attend a gathering. It’s also okay to let go of traditions that no longer feel meaningful to you.
Boundaries With Yourself
Some of the hardest boundaries to set are the ones you need with yourself. Overspending, overcommitting, and overindulging are all too easy during the holidays.
The pressure to give extravagant gifts or match someone else’s energy can lead to financial stress. Stick to a budget that aligns with your goals, and if you need help, use a free app to track your spending. Limits with yourself might also include how much you’re willing to travel, how many events you’ll attend, or how much you’re contributing to group activities like gift exchanges or potlucks.
It’s okay to say no to something so you can fully enjoy something else—or just get some rest. Maintaining simple routines like getting enough sleep or sticking to a workout can keep you grounded during all the chaos.
Boundaries with yourself aren’t about restriction; they’re about self-respect and ensuring you have what you need to thrive.
Examples of Holiday Boundaries
Saying no to events that leave you feeling drained.
Communicating in advance about topics you don’t want to discuss.
Skipping traditions that don’t feel meaningful anymore.
Limiting alcohol or food intake for health reasons.
Saying yes only when you truly want to.
Taking breaks during gatherings to recharge.
Sticking to a budget for gifts and travel.
Prioritizing your routines, like exercise or journaling.
The Courage to Say “No”
No matter what you do, you can’t make everyone happy—and that’s okay, it’s not your job to and you shouldn’t try to. Some people who struggle with setting boundaries often struggle with feelings of guilt or like they are disappointing others when they say no. But saying “no” is an act of courage, not rejection. It’s about choosing yourself.
If guilt shows up, remind yourself: no one benefits when you give from a place of exhaustion or resentment. Saying no is about respecting your limits, and it doesn’t need to come with an elaborate explanation. Your “no” is valid because it’s yours.
Journal Prompts and Questions to Explore Your Boundaries
What matters most to you about the holidays?
Where do you tend to ignore your own boundaries?
What fears come up when you think about setting boundaries?
Who or what triggers feelings of stress or discomfort?
What boundaries would make this holiday season feel more aligned with your needs?
We all have a pretty clear sense of what we enjoy—and what we’d rather skip. For some, big gatherings can feel completely overwhelming. For others, it’s about avoiding certain activities, events, or even people. While connecting with others is known to reduce stress and boost mental health, it’s important to remember that connection looks and feels different for everyone.
Take a moment to ask yourself: What do I actually enjoy doing? Maybe it’s baking cookies with family, shopping with a friend, wrapping presents with a loved one, or something else entirely. Everyone’s preferences are unique, and those differences don’t make anyone right or wrong—they just make us human.
One thing I try to remind myself when setting boundaries is this: saying no to others is also saying yes to myself. It’s a powerful way to show others how to treat you with respect and care, while staying true to your own needs. Setting boundaries has helped me create space to honor my emotions while still enjoying the season—especially after experiencing loss. The holidays can be heavy for many, for a variety of reasons, and setting boundaries allows each of us to navigate this time with more peace and intention, regardless of the struggles we may face.
Tips for Stronger Boundaries
Write them down: Seeing your boundaries in writing makes them feel real.
Practice tough conversations: Rehearse what you’ll say to help build confidence.
Know your deal-breakers: Decide what’s non-negotiable for your peace of mind.
Stay consistent: Boundaries aren’t a one-time thing—they need reinforcement.
Closing Thought
Setting boundaries isn’t about saying no to others—it’s about saying yes to yourself. Yes to your peace, your energy, and the things that truly matter to you.
The holidays are about giving, but that giving has to include yourself. When you honor your boundaries, you create space to show up for the season—not out of obligation, but with genuine joy.
